Breathe.
Pause.
2020 – it was supposed to be a wonderful year and I was supposed to be taking on some rather wonderful new milestones in my life.
I have to say, it started off rather promisingly. All my perfectly packaged little plans were falling into place and I was happy. But as we skipped merrily towards the mid of January, we started hearing the first whispers of Covid-19. Nothing too serious then and it was pretty much confined to Hubei Province of China. Who would have imagined that two months down the road, we would be here: in the midst of economic chaos, medical nightmares, and social and movement restrictions? But here we are and here I am, forced to come face-to-face with the assortment of not so pretty things that I’ve conveniently swept under my bliss rug.
So, what’s a bliss rug?
It’s this little rug that I conjure up whenever I am in a relatively good place and feeling content with whatever life’s throwing at me. The parts of me that I don’t quite want to face will be pushed under that rug. It is almost magical how easy it is not to notice my growing pile of issues when I was standing contentedly atop the bliss rug.
However, with the madness that is the Covid-19 pandemic, my pretty little bliss rug was quite rudely snatched from under me and I was unceremoniously plopped on the mess that I had once thought was so cleverly hidden. Shifting through the pile around me, I was rapidly reacquainted with my old familiar friends – trust, insecurity, control and the biggie, “why is the world (or anyone really) doing this to me” issues.
Bereaved of my rug, I’ve been fluctuating from “I’m okay” and “I can do this” to “I hate everything and everyone” over the last couple of weeks. And right now I am going to give everyone reading this a bit of my I hate everything act:
I HATE THIS! I HATE THE FLUCTUATIONS! I HATE HOW I’M FEELING!
Pause.
Yes, it has been rather nutters and I honestly do hate having my moods oscillate back and forth. I definitely do not make for a good pendulum. I have thought about this at some length and narrowed it down to two options:
(1) I could continue to be swept along in the current of my rapidly arising and previously hidden issues; or
(2) I could PAUSE, breathe (in some courage, hopefully) and then, face those ugly monsters of mine.
Since I don’t quite fancy the idea of having ugly monsters lead me around, I guess I will have to go along with option number 2.
I’ve taken my first step and if you wish to continue this walk to I-don’t-really-know-where-but-hopefully-somewhere-nice with me, hop right on!
As I Walk 