Trust – part II

When trust has been broken, can it be regained?

As I’ve mentioned before, I once trusted unconditionally. I would take what was said to me by those I care for what it was. Without doubt.

Of course, that trust that I had given or received so freely was broken countless times over the years. The first time that had happened, I was the one who had done the breaking. After experiencing how much pain it had cause the other person, I vowed that never again will I hurt another in that manner. What I hadn’t realized then was the hurt was not only inflicted on the victim. Breaking of trust hurts the breaker too albeit in a different manner. Subconsciously, my view of myself shifted. It took me unawares, but I started seeing myself more poorly. Soon, I started accepting bad behaviour from those who had claimed that they loved or cared for me. Why? I think part of me felt that I deserved it. It was my personal punishment. From there on, the trust I had given was frequently betrayed.

Initially it had been easy to bounce back and I managed for most parts not to bring it into subsequent relationships. I don’t really know when I had stopped being able to bounce back. I hadn’t notice when I started second guessing the things people told me. But I got there and before I knew it, I started looking for evidence of betrayal at every turn.

It was exhausting! Both my being skeptical of everything coupled with the other party having to try earn my trust constantly turned out to be a perfect formula for failure.

Getting back to the question – once broken, can trust be regained? I don’t think there is a single answer that would fit every circumstance. Instead, I’ll share my opinion and the route I’ve taken.

I feel that once trust has been broken, we have a choice to make. Do we choose to continue the relationship with the person as it is or do we choose to shift the nature of the relationship? If the choice is the former, I believe there are steps that need to be taken to move forward with the relationship as it is.

Firstly, I think there needs to be communication. What’s done is done but it doesn’t mean that it should get brushed over just because the choice was to continue on. Breaking of trust isn’t something that should be taken lightly as the hurt unaddressed can fester and turn the relationship toxic over time.

The next step is to set limits; personally, it means that, if it happens again, I would walk away. It’s perfectly fine to choose to forgive and trust again. However, if it becomes a habit whereby trust is repeatedly broken, it’s no longer a matter of being trusting or otherwise. Instead it becomes a choice of whether to stay on in a relationship that is mentally and emotionally abusive. I wouldn’t.

The final and most important step is to trust. Some might think me gullible or stupidly naive but without trusting again, I might as well have chosen not to continue the relationship as it is. I’ve tried the skeptical route and as I’ve mentioned earlier, it is an EXHAUSTING route. Try spending a day constantly wondering whether everyone or even ONE person is lying. Now imagine doing that your entire life. Trust me, you will not have a single moment of happiness. That’s why I’ve chosen to spend my time “trusting” until the moment at which the person breaks my trust. I believe that way I’ll have many more happy and peaceful moments than I would have sad ones.

Now, if the choice is not to continue the relationship as it is, do yourself this favour and not bring the distrust from the past to the present. As I’ve explained above, without trust, there cannot be true freedom from anxiety or unhappiness.

That’s my answer.

I’m curious as to how others would address this issue of regaining trust. So, do feel free to drop me a note or comment.