Solitude

What do we do when we are granted the gift of solitude?

My favourite part of quarantine is that we were all forced to be alone with our thoughts for a little bit and everyone was like “Absolutely not. I will learn to bake bread from scratch.”

Kevin Farzad

That is a quote that I’ve seen floating around in my sourdough baking group. When I first read it, I laughed. However, if we were to take a step back and really look at it, it is no laughing matter. Be it baking or binging on Netflix, this need for escape is something I, too, am guilty of.

Is being alone with our thoughts so terrifying that we would find all means to stay busy so as not to have to think?

If I were to hazard a guess, mine is probably linked to my lost of control. The Covid-19 pandemic experience is probably very different for each person. With its differences, there is a common loss we experience — the lost of control. We do not know when it will end. With that unknown variable, it’s difficult to put longer term plans in motion as so much is not within our realm of control. Some people may handle this better than others.

For me, it’s a nightmare.

I’ve been feeling restless since the start of the lockdown at the end of March. It was quietly bubbling just beneath the surface. Most of the time, I could find some form of distraction to suppress its rumblings. Other times, I turn into a weepy mess.

The reality of how big a nightmare it is for me only dawned a few weeks back when I started daily meditation.

My meditations yielded this realisation — I have an obsession to control outcomes and results!

Whilst some people thrive on the thrill of the unknown, I like to plan. Maybe like isn’t the right word — I NEED to plan. However, I don’t think that planning is the issue but rather, it’s my attachment to the results that I expect from my very comprehensive plans.

Right now, I am not getting the outcomes I desire regardless of the amount of effort or time invested. Usually, I am pretty resourceful and I have my ways of manipulating things to the results I want. However, given the situation that we are in, no amount of manipulation or tweaking is working.

And this is my personal hell.

One of the upsides of being dragged through hell and back is that sometimes we bring back little gems. Mine is this:

Let go of my attachment to outcomes.
Let go of my need to control outcomes.
Do my best.
And then trust the process.

Now, as part of my daily meditation, I reflect on this.

Does it fix my discomfit with solitude?

Well, there are days that are easier and there are those that are harder but this does serve as a very effective mantra in bringing me back to the present.

I don’t think the beast will ever leave but I do believe that we can choose our reaction to it. I’ve chosen to face it and not let it drive the direction of my life.